I wonder at times or even asked myself a million times, have i done so much of sins in my last generation to go through so much. As i guess no one has da answer for that. To speak sincerely, i miss myself so much. I miss da laughter, da bubbly and outgoing me. My eyes being weld up, tears seems to flow like water fall. The only difference is dat a water fall is beautiful and its tears of joy. But for my eyes is not beautiful and its not tears of joy.
I have shut myself from da world and i won't noe wen will i return back. Like my bestie said it will take sometime but it can never be fast. The funny issue is i can't even hold on to a fake smile also for long. My silence speaks alot of things but no one can hear dem. My daily lifestyle is like Mon-Fri Work and only work. Back home take a bath, eat and sleep. The lifestyle i'm going through is juz not me but wad can i do as i give others da happiness.
As days pass by, i feel like i'm going through some psychiatrical problem. You know wen people hide their emotions within themselves and scream and cry without any sound is like a torture and i really wish no one should go through like i wad i am going. To many people eyes, i am a strong person, i am a person wif such capability to handle any blows in life. But the truth does anyone noes da child in me.
I feel dat my life has capsized.
The earlier part of my entry was abt me and now lets speak of motherhood. My dearest sister in law has given birth to da most beautiful angel on 5th October. Motherhood..people may think wads so great abt it. Basically its like juz getting pregnant, having some pains, morning sickness, cravings and all but hell no..
First is getting pregnant, becoming a mother is really something great. The nine months a small lil infant growing, though it may gif pains, mood swings and all but overall it gives a unexplainable pleasure and happiness in it. Last during the labour pain. The pain is a pain no mothers can eva describe or explain it. But in that hours of pain, in the end wen they hear the cries and da smile of their child all pain disappeared within a sec. Thats how it was for my sis in law, she went through labour pain for abt 8hrs and lastly she gave the world a lil princess. That princess is officially known as lil dino or pinky gal coz dey haven name her yet but she is juz adorable.
Mothers are really the undescribable, beautiful and wonderful creations of God.
That doesn't mean we should neglect our fathers. They are the great man and i am serious. Mothers can neva be mother's without the help of dad. Like dey always said "It takes two hands to clap" I am who i am is partially becoz of my dad and i am really proud as well as gifted to haf such a dad.
Yesterday he cooked, i did helped me cut some veges and all da overall cooking is done by him. During weekdays i cooked, though i am not a great cook as him but i still managed to dish out some dishes but in my own style. I won't say dey were superb but were edible. I am still under the course of the book "teaching dummies how to cook" :)
Thats all i haf now to blog abt. If i haf anything else to say my next entry will say it all.
The end.
Labels: speechless
As human being we haf to accept the changes in our lives. Some changes is made by ourselves and some is already created by the one above.
I haf always said alot of philosophies to many people. Some i do really believe and follow and some i dun. But dis particular philosophy has made an impact in my life which is.."When the person is near, u neva appreciate them and wen dey leave, u regret and miss deir presence"
If only she knew how much i loved her. Its really unfair for her to leave me halfway and go.She has yet to see me become a graduate. She has yet to see me get a license and i drove her around.She has yet to see me get married and start my own family. She has yet to see me growing old.She has yet to know how much love i haf for her.
Many people haf said dat losing someone is natural in everyone's life. I agree wif dat point but circumstance and situation is not the same for everyone.
Evertime wen i was sick, she wiped my vomit and all, and now she made me wipe her vomit but she was not there to see it. If only i realised how sick she was, how sad she was. Looking at her sleeping right infront of my eyes and knowing she is not gonna wake up anymore is really painful. Losing someone close is really a painful path to go through and wad can be worse wen u are being blamed for the person's lifeto be gone. How can i bear it wen the fingers are pointing at me for her death. I have complaint many times abt her, i dun really like her nagging at times but neva haf i told dat she must leave the world and me.
If only she was here, she would fight for my rights and tell off everyone who is talking abt me. But she is not.
I really miss her alot.
I miss her laughter.
I miss her lame jokes.
I miss her watching Vijay movie engrossly.
I miss her talking to the dogs.
I miss her dancing.
I miss asking her to bring me to mac and she will be wondering wad to buy as she dun normally eat fastfood.
Then she will ask why my burger is bigger den hers.
I miss her enjoying her coffee at Mac.
I miss her enjoying her breakfast at coffeeshop.
I miss her talking to me while she is cooking.
I miss her style of dressing up.
I miss her enjoying swensens ice cream.
I miss watching many movies wif her in theatre.
I miss her asking many questions when she is watching english movie as she dun really watch dem.
I miss her admiring me wen i am going out.
I miss her asking wen i am gonna haf a boyfren.
I miss her cooking though i complaint abt it.
I miss waking her up for work.
I miss her singing.
I miss calling her by her full name.
I miss her short height.
I miss her happiness wen i brought her out for mother's day.
I miss her wiping my tears wen i am really down.
I miss her sleeping in my room where she said the only place she gets to sleep peacefully.
I miss her playing computer games.
I miss watching her do puzzles.
I miss watching her eat sweets and choc like kids.
I miss talking to her.
I miss her alot.
I miss her voice.
I miss her smell.
I miss her touch and
I miss calling her Ma.
How i wish she cld be wif me now, How i wish she could hug me now, How i wish she could wipe my tears. Even though i was in her womb for only 9 months, she and i know it was a lifetime bond. Our bond can neva be explained in words. There was so much things i wanted to talk to her, There was so much jokes i wanted to share wif her but she left without listening to me and my jokes. The only mistake we both did was, we loved and like each other so much but we neva showed it out.
I maybe 23yrs old ma, I may haf grown up to some people eyes. I must take da responsibilities over ma but only u knew i am still a child ma. You wanted me to get a good job and now when i haf da job u are not here to see me off to work. Why didn't u utter a word to me, Why did u leave me and go, why u made me feel da loss of a mother. I haf always respected motherhood, I haf always respected all mothers but neva did i eva imagine my mother wld leave me and go in such a young age. I haf always yearn for love from u, I haf always yearn for your hug, I haf always yearn for u to feed me but now u haf made me yearn for u totally. Ma whereva u are, i want u to be happy. I want u to smile always. I will neva forget those eyes which has so much wishes and meaning. I will neva forget the smile which always says dun worry i am here. Ma you haf always been and will always be part of me. I miss and love u alot.
My mum's funeral has really taught me alot of things abt life and mankind. I realised that only in a funeral u can really know everyone's real dem. I haf known who stood by me and who neva. I am not gonna go around blaming anyone coz nothing is gonna change. I can only say treasure all yr loved ones.
Labels: "To a child's ear 'mother' is magic in any language" -Author:Arlene Benedict
