Writing an entry eyes filled wif tears and heart filled wif anger and controlled emotionz.. so many things has been happening ard me..and I dun have anyone to talk abt it..actually I used to have but everyone seem busy wif deir personal life so din wanna disturb.. my family situation suckz to the max..my dad raised his voice at me..juz becoz he claims dat I have been going out a lot and I am not even working juz sitting at home and being a useless person..but the truth..does he noe??? I did look for job but I din get replies..is it my fault..argghh..my mum and sis betrayed me and complained abt me badly to my dad dat I am not doing any hseworks and stuff..okies..to be frank I am da one doing da hsewrk and da both have dem only sleep, eat and watch tv..

i am a normal human being I have only two hands, how much of work do they expect me to do..juz after getting screwed up by my dad’s mean words…I did perfect hseworks..serious..i sweep my whole hse, mop da whole hse, wash clothes, dry dem, fold clothes, clean my brother’s room, make his bed, clean his wardrobe, clean my room, da living hall, tables and even da furnitures..and after doing all dis now my spine is giving me a hard time..my stomach cramp is killing me…ahh..for da past few weeks I have been home..my parents din give me a single cent..it has been many days eva since I ate a proper meal..

Living in a 5-room HDB flat..both ur parents are working and elder brother is a sergeant in army who earns more than $1.5k do u think its fair for me to play da maid role…yeah recently my dad called me a maid..do u noe to him it may sound like a pathetic joke..but to me..freaking hurt..i may look strong and brave..but I am sensitive..is it my fault…I feel like juz living dis earth man…I have going through soo much in my 21yrs of life..but neva really open tell anyone..neither have been a bad daughter..and to be serious talking..i always obeyed my parents..yeah sometimes I argue..but still I give in thinking after all dey are my parents..got wacked up by my brother and disrespectful sister..all dis did I ask…

I noe there might be someone out dere who suffers worse den me..but..i am also a human being..every human have deir rights to fight for demselves..but wheneva I do..da blame gets to me..da table is turned to me..all fingers pointing at me..i have been criticize by my own people…I juz can’t take it anymore..i hope my mother Durgai Amman takes me away..juz dun wan dis life…my frenz say dat I am strong willed..but sorry guys ur judgement is wrong…I am not as strong as I seem to be…recently a soo loving scene happen in my hse…my sis was not well..den my brother came back home..he immediately asked her..

Brother: what happen to you?

Sister: I am having fever..and my throat is pain *gives da innocent look*

Brother: why din u take the medicine.?

Sister: I can’t swallow the capsule..

Brother: what do u mean by cannot..come I give the medicine..

Sister: ok..

Brother and sister goes to the kitchen while me watching dis whole scenario by my side look..while doing hsehold chores..

Brother: open ur mouth..

Sister: *opens mouth* (she cannot swallow..so she pukes)

Brother: aiyo u can’t even swallow..nvm..i shall melt is for u..

Brother takes da tablet and melt in a spoon filled wif hot water and feeds my sister..

Sister: *looking at me as though she got what she wanted*

Brother: okies..now u go and sleep..i will come later and check ur temperature

Sister: ok..

Brother asked me to put his clothes for washing and ask me to dry dem and after the clothes has been dried..fold dem and pack his bag..i was like wth…grr..okies..da loving scene ended after my brother left da hse to meets his frenz and my sis wen to bed…and den my dad came back home..da 1^st question he asked..

Dad: where is ur sis?

Me: she is sleeping..

Dad: how come she sleep so early?

Me: ohh..she said she is not feeling well..

Dad: why what happen to her?

Me: I think she is having fever

Dad: oh..has she eaten..?

Me: no..

Dad said he tot of bringing us down to coffee shop to eat dinner..but since ur sis is sick nvm..we shall cancel da plan..but den my sis woke up and said “nvm dad we can still go..den he was ok..When we went down..saw my bro but he said he took his dinner..so only da four of us went..my parents, sis and myself..so both my parents was telling my sis dat she cannot eat dis and dat coz her throat will be more pain and stuff..den all dis loving scene ended after da dinner..okies..

i wrote abt dis whole scenario…coz I was having high fever juz da two weeks ago..and my temperature went to 39degrees..but none of dem gave a damn abt it..and I was coughing like a TB patient..and dat time also dey neve asked anything…why am I always da left out one..why am always loner..why why why??? I feel like screaming man…I have so much of anger in me…I used to be a very hot-tempered person..but now I control everything those who noes me very well shld noe my temper well also..now I control my temper..hide my feelings and neva show my emotions..do u think its easy for me to do all this…I have sooo much in my heart…I juz dun noe how or who to tell it out..why..i have always been pushed aside since I was a child..all called me da unlucky one..da bad omen..da bad sign for da day…a kid who brings bad luck to the hse..since young I was blamed for my brother and sister’s mistake..since young got wacked for everything and every mistake my sibling does..since I was born..i din get da opportunity to drink my mother’s milk..neva get the chance to be hugged by her..neva get the chance to kiss her forehead..neva get the chance to hold her hands and walk..but my siblings..dey were such a gifted kid..why is it me…is it becoz I am da 2^nd child..is it becoz I am da middle one..if only I cld tear my heart and show how much I have inside…

My family member criticize me..becoz I am a bad luck..ppl criticize me..coz of my looks, dressing and da way I talk and even da way I look…if I am created and born like dat..is it my mistake..living in my own way is it a mistake..

Da journey of my life is so dark, lonely and its getting bad to worse..i have neva seen a rainbow in my life..not even a little light is going to shine upon me..and dun even have a good companion to share everything…

I wanted to tell her so much…I wanted to get a hug from her..i wanted to lie on her lap and cry so much…but she was busy wif her life..and I din get the opportunity to talk to her how we use to talk at nightz…coz dat place has been replaced by another special person of her life…I realized dat we shld not disturb another person life…no matter how much we love dem..we must give dem deir own space..i wish I cld be out wif her to spend my day and forget everything I am going through…I wish…I wish…so many wishes..but whats da point…an unwanted person like me..shld not have wished and likes and dreamz..all are going to go the waste…I wish I cld end my life here..but shall see what is da one above gonna give me next…if dere is only wish I wanna make now..is to be gone with the wind..Societyz Loneranger walks away..wif Shattered Heart..