Wiping my tears before it rolls down my cheeks, I am writing this entry. Those who read it, well u might find it lame or u could just feel what exactly my lil heart is going through. I am gonna be 21yrs old but I can count da days I smile. I was brought up or shld I say I grew up in a more tom boyish way. I dun noe how to dress like a gal. I don’t like dresses. I have neva worn a dress wif comfortable also. I have always wore pants, shorts n stuff. Hmm…what am I suppose to do if I don’t noe how to be feminine. Is it my fault? Yeah u cld say dat I can learn. But whats da point after much effort still back to square one? To be frank, I don’t know how to put on make up, I don’t know how to dress feminine, I don’t know how to even wear a lipstick properly. I don’t know how to be shy or I don’t have shyness? I really don’t know. I don’t wear heels, I don’t even noe how to walk wif dem.

Many people don’t know me well…I have a sensitive side and also a emotional side of me..I am also a human. I have a heart, which is weak at times. People have directly told me dat I am not very beautiful neither am I good looking. I didn’t ask god to create me like dis. Guess I am suffering from Inferiority Complex. Just a few days ago, my dad told, “Do you know that u are looking very ugly nowadays.” Can u tell which daughter wun be hurt. I know very well of myself that I am not good looking as many people I know. But what am I suppose to do for that. I cannot, I don’t know what to do. As some said not only my looks but also my sharp tongue has some problems. I have a sacarstic speech. But that’s how I normally speak.

I really feel that I am just useless. My education is not good, My dressing is not good, my way of speech is not good, my looks..ha ha do I have one? I admire my frenz n cousins..Everyone has praise about deir look, dressing and so many good points of dem..but they din even say anything abt me or I don’t have any good points abt myself? My heart is juz a size of my fist.. and do u noe how much it has been hurt. Ha ha ha..i don’t think so anyone wld noe. I have neither have a job, neither savings, nothing..i don’t have anything, I don’t own anything. I am juz a blank piece of paper which has been torn and used for others usage. My wallet does not contain cash, juz calendars n god pictures. I don’t even have a gold chain in my neck. Normally old folks say a grown up gal must wear atleast a gold chain.

A lot of people said why I don’t wanna wear a gold chain, why I don’t like a gold chain, why I like silver a lot…? So many questions..but has anyone tot what I am feeling, or has anyone asked me. No! When I look at all people who I am surrounded by I will look at dem..and u noe dey are like so beautiful, has a good sense of dressing, knows how to wear make up, knows how to walk like a gal, knows how to be feminine..but when I look at myself..i can only put my head down. Damn me!!! My inferiority is killing me. Since I cut my long hair till now my hair is gone.. can’t even comb my hair in a proper style..Do u think I dun wanna style my hair n stuff..i am also a human..i have my likes and dislikes and wishes…Juz as what my mother normally say, I am hopeless and useless. What have I juz done wrong? U all can ask me why I can’t tell my mum abt da problems. Well, I have really don’t know for how long wld I survive in dis world…instead of being and feeling like dis..might as well God can bring me back. I don’t wanna live dis life..Its hurting !

My mum has neva held my hand, neva hugged me, neva praised me, neva fed me, da most important, she has neva loved me. Do u noe how is it like to be in da same roof with ur mom and she has neva loved u. She doesn’t even noe when I am hungry, what I like, dislike and etc. Oh god guess I am suffering in silence..i really don’t know what I am going thru..i don’t know if I am jealous or wad..i noe very well my face marks are obvious..do u noe dat even my ex boyfren said dat why face got many marks n stuff..even da guy who dated me also agreed wif his frenz saying dat dere are 101 gals betta looking den me…hahahahha..yeah wen I heard dat at first I got sooo mad…but now I guess wad his frenz said is in a way true..
Yesterday I toked to shamz..actually I was contemplating whether to talk to her abt dis or not..haiz..but juz toked..and yeah she dedicated da song You Are Beautiful by Christina Aguilera..haha..Guess no one has seen my plus points or x-factor..or shld I think do I have one…wadeva everyone said is always in my heart..i will neva forget those who hurt me..as shamz said I am not mentally strong…if u ppl are thinking of sending me to IMH..well..go ahead…but beware..shamz will kill u…I wld like to end of by saying…if u noe someone who is not soo…good looking…dun hurt dem by ur words..please think dat they have a heart and also a human..*walks away*